Baby in Heaven (Part 2)
When our baby went to heaven everything stopped for a week. My husband had to go back to work after one day, but my children and I just colored, listened to worship music and cried throughout the week. It was good just to stop everything.

We were in pain and numb at the same time. I talked though everything and processed with my husband and some family members.

When my husband and I prayed together, nothing came out. We sat there quietly and that was it..... we were numb, and that is okay. Our God is faithful and understands the pain we felt and the words that wouldn't come.

Specific things I made note of:

1) It is okay to stop and just be for a time. It is okay not to be ready to go out and be part of social gatherings. Don't force yourself and cause yourself to bury feelings/emotions you will have to deal with later. Some days you may feel like going out and spending time with others. If not, maybe a walk or hike is what you need.

2) Grief is a emotion of layers. You do not always know how it will effect you or when it will cause you to react or respond in different situations. There is no formula to deal with grief, each time it is different, and with each person it is different. There is nothing to be ashamed about or to apologize for when it decides to show up. Just let it work its way through.

3) Miscarriage does not get processed quickly. You have had a baby and your arms are left empty. You have all these plans, thoughts, a name, and maybe clothes, that you have to let go. You still have a due date that will never be and when that day comes you are still processing emotions..... This can be months. You have the anniversary of when your baby went to heaven and that marks your first year and all the firsts that you didn't get to experience with that baby......(sigh)

4) The word "Loss" is not one I like to use that often when talking about miscarriage. I have heard mother's say, " I lost the baby." I became extra sensitive to this. Because the mom cannot control everything that happens during the pregnancy. It is not her fault. Life in the womb is an amazingly miraculous event and one that is completely in God's hands. There is no blame to put on the mom. We as humans always feel there has to be a reason we can understand, but there isn't always a reason. And just because we don't understand why or how it happened does not mean we get to put blame on someone just to comfort ourselves or help us to understand and feel better. We as mothers need to understand this as well and find peace with not understanding or having control. This seems simple, but it is not easy.

5) Every life no matter how young in the womb deserves to be celebrated for existing and to bring joy to others. New live is exciting! After a miscarriage there is so much emotion and grief that when another pregnancy is experienced, there is a lot of fear. Putting fear in its place is not easy, but it does not deserve the place of joy and excitement with new life. That precious life inside of a mother's womb is a miracle and what ever time it is destined by God to exist, needs to be celebrated. I firmly believe this.

6) I was privileged to carry that precious little life in my womb for the 10 weeks God had placed her there. That little miracle was such a gift and I was the only one that carried her and cared for her for the short time on earth that she had. I am truly blessed to have been able to experience that privilege and now have a beautiful little one in heaven.

7) I have a new view on life following this bittersweet experience. My view in life is not only of this world and this life. My view is toward the eternal and what I have to look forward to one day in heaven. My precious little one is experiencing the joy of my savior and one day I will get to meet her and join her in that amazing experience. 


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1 Comment

  1. Lifting these times to Him -yes … thank you for being vulnerable- and open -and healed….

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